Saturday, July 25, 2009

Love is a Decision, Sex is a Choice

Do you have the power to choose who you love? Do you have the absolute freedom within yourself from your purest essence to be able to connect with someone that really does love, honor and respect you? Can you choose to have sex, or not? Or are you bound up repeating old patterns, attracted to a body type, painted into a corner by a deep seated sexual or personal preference? Are YOU - the highest idea of who you are - really free to choose?

If you answered no, you may be unconsciously locked into choosing a partner based almost entirely on a chemical response, visual cue or a behavioral pattern. And if this is so, is it any wonder there are so many failed relationships. But that's OK, because it's all leading us to our self, to the part of us that wants the absolute best for ourself and isn't willing to settle for less. So how much free will are you willing to claim for yourself?

Personally, I got so tired of being ruled by my body chemistry, my distorted beliefs about relationship, and my own body image that I decided after the crash and burn of my marriage of 8 years to take a break and go down this rabbit hole with myself. I decided to be celibate for an undetermined amount of time.

As I see the fallout of this experience, it is slowly being revealed to me that this has been one of the healthiest things that I have done for myself. It is in many ways, like a detox. And that is exactly what it has been for me, among other things. Body chemistry is every bit as strong as lines of cocaine or a shot of heroin. Many, many people have identified love, relationship, romance and sex addiction in their life as being a destructive force. For many of us, it takes a long time and much heartache to come to the realization that we are addicted to love and we do not have our free will to choose. We think we do, but we don't.

Someone gave me a paradigm shift today. They said, don't "follow" your heart, "lead" with your heart. This truly says it all. If you are leading with your heart, then you are connecting with love AND having the strength to take your heart into uncharted territory. When you know that you ARE love and that sharing love is what makes us the happiest at our core, then you know that there is nothing to get. You already have it. You are it. It is what you are made of.

Pretty intoxicating stuff, isn't it? Love, romance, sex. All these feelings and sensations rushing around inside leave us open and vulnerable. And that's what their supposed to do. For without that open heart, there can be no sharing of love. Yet, we can't let ourselves be ruled by chemical love. We must keep going down the rabbit hole, falling and falling as far as we need to until we find ourselves in a strange land. And that place is ourselves, our own inner being. Falling in love with and meeting our core self or higher self is the great equalizer to love addiction.

When you can become clear enough, and for me this required a detoxification and abstinence from sexual activity for a significant time, then it becomes possible to make that connection with your higher self. Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a sexy, sensual being. I'm not this way right now because I think sex is bad or men or relationships are bad. I'm this way right now because I want to experience true love. I want to be able to see someone for exactly who they are and to love, honor and cherish them anyway without my addictions coloring my vision. And I am not willing to settle for anything less. I think the power lies, in that I would rather be alone, than in yet another superficial relationship.

I knew I was getting somewhere when I read my favorite Bible verse, Corinthians 13:4 and truly understood it for the first time at an even deeper level.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This is probably one of the most quoted Bible verses, but it is usually the first part that makes the cut and the last part is often left off. When I used to read the love is patient, love is kind... yada yada yada yada, I thought that was some impossible standard and how could that possibly work in the real world and this was for saints and angels. But now, since I have experienced the immense relief of having my free will returned to me, my power of choice to whom I will love and be with, I see that the wisdom is revealed in the second half.

For it is true...when I was a child...when I was innocent in the ways of love I acted like a child, but when I became a woman, I put childish ways behind me. I absolutely attracted all these reflections of something disowned by me into my life. It is like being in a horrible hall of mirrors and it surely is what you could call a poor reflection. Because this is not who we are! And the moment I knew myself, I had the powerful skill of being able to know others and became empowered to make myself fully known. I did know in part, and I prophecied in part, but I didn't have the whole story. I didn't see that the perfection lies within the imperfection. The vulnerability is where the true intimacy is born. I knew that your differences could bring you together, but I didn't know your differences are the mechanism by which you come together.

True love is eternal. It's just that simple. And I got to stand in the mouth of the tiger a little bit last night, at my beloved friend, David Essel's workshop and see just what space I am in and how much true love is present. Before I wasn't totally sure if I wasn't using celibacy as an excuse to stave off intimacy. I knew there was a chance that I was repressing, especially after what I had been through with my marriage, but I knew it wasn't just that. At David's Sexuality and Intimacy workshop I got to see that I have not "lost" this part of myself. I got to see how it feels to be reset into innocence as an adult. Almost like a virgin, incredulous as that might sound for a 49 year old woman whose been married twice and the mother of 2 children! Yet, it is possible.

And now I know that the gift I have given myself is the absolute freedom to choose. I am no longer ruled and fueled entirely by my chemicals. I have activated my high heart, the highest vision of my being and I am not willing to settle for anything less than true love. Now I can fully know and feel in my bones and take this into my being: Love is patient, love is kind. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. I see how Love rejoices with the truth. And when true love is present it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I am that, I am.